High Conflict Parenting
This is a highest risk parenting style. There may be little meaningful communication, parents are hostile, aggressive, angry and willing to use their children to score points off the other parent in their battle. Numerous studies show that this style of parenting is harmful to children. About 20% or more of parents engage in this form of parenting.
Parallel Parenting
Parallel parenting which is marked by low conflict, low communication and disengagement from the other parent. The parents do their ‘own thing’ on their ‘own time’. Parallel parenting happens when there is an insufficient degree of cooperation, communication, compromise, or consistency to carry out co-parenting. Parents who are parallel parenting are often very strict with each other in adherence to the parenting orders or plan and allow very little flexibility. At least 50% of separated parents us this form of parenting. Children suffer and say that they want more active communication between their parents.
Cooperative Co-Parenting
A cooperative co-parenting relationship where parents jointly plan for their children’s needs are flexible, communicate sufficiently and coordinate schedules and activities. These parents can set aside their grievances about their past relationship and focus on their children. This style of parenting gives the best outcomes for your children. About 25 – 30% of separated parents co-parent cooperatively.
Co-Parenting Successfully:
Be Flexible
It benefits everyone to be somewhat flexible. For example, if the other parent is sometimes late for changeovers, it might help to be ready with alternative plans. Keep in mind that getting upset about a change the other parent requests might make it tricky the next time you need to change things. Your plans will also need to adapt as your child grows up and their needs and circumstances change. For example when they start school or takes up a new sport.
Accept Different Parenting Values
The other parent’s parenting approach might change without you around. It might take some getting used to, especially if you’re the other parent has different values or beliefs.
One way to deal with this is to work out whether you don’t like the other parent’s parenting because of your preferences or because of serious essential requirements. For example:
If you don’t like something because of your preferences, you might be able to let it slide. Then you can concentrate on things that affect your child’s health and safety. Different parenting approaches can help your children learn that different rules apply in different situations.
Help Your Children Feel Connected to the Other Parent
If it’s not upsetting for you, you could keep a framed photo of your family that includes the other parent. You could also try to be positive about what your children are doing when they are at the other parent’s house – for example, ‘Wow, that looks like a great cubby house. What a fun weekend you’ve had!’
Encourage your child to send messages to the other parent when the children are with you. Even if your child’s other parent lives far away, it’s healthy for your children to send and receive regular emails, phone calls, Facetime or Skype, text messages etc. For their own wellbeing, it is essential that children maintain their sense of connectedness and belonging to their family, extended family, friends and the community, this includes grandparents, cousins etc. on both sides of their family.
Keep the Other Parent Updated
Your child will benefit when their other parent knows what’s going on for them. You and the other parent could keep each other up to date by using a shared online calendar that lists your child’s weekly schedule, plus any special events. You children will feel good about themselves when they see both parents cooperating.
Plan Ahead
You might want the other parent to be involved in or take responsibility for tasks like child and family health visits or school outings. If you’re on good terms you could plan to go to activities like parent-teacher interviews or school concerts together. If you’re not able to go together, you’ll need to plan who is going to go to what event, or how you’ll handle it if you’re both there.
Give the Other Parent Time to Learn the Ropes
If you did most of the caring for your children before your separation, the other parent might take a little time to learn about the practical side of caring for children. It can be tempting to criticise but pointing out the positives is much better for everyone.
Be Prepared for some Negative Feelings
When your children are with their other parent, you might feel a sense of loss, loneliness and disappointment. It can help if you try to look at the positive side; kid-free time – for example, time apart from your children can give you a chance to rest, relax and pursue relationships, hobbies or interests. Even get work done in anticipation of next time you see your children.
For the sake of the children, it is important to keep tensions between the parents low. This will allow the children to adapt quicker and easier. Parents may argue about how the children are to be care for because they feel the other parent “just has no clue on how to do it.” Each parent will find their way and it is important for them to go through that process.
