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Here are the 5 steps you should take now to begin laying the path for a full reunification one day. These actions are highly effective in reversing child alienation, whether the result of a deliberate campaign waged against you or due to rejection and your child’s own feelings of distress over your separation. They are all things you can act on now. If the alienation is the result of programming and brainwashing deliberately done by the other parent, it won’t get reversed in a few weeks. Unfortunately, it will more likely take months or even years. But by using these proven techniques you will be working towards reconnecting with your alienated child.
Your child won’t respond well to any criticism of what you see as their programmed mental state regarding you. They don’t think that they are brainwashed. Asking them about the other parent “Are Mum/Dad saying bad things / telling you lies about me?” will get you no-where. They will just get angry at you for suggesting to them that they’re not thinking for themselves. Instead of trying to convince them with words show them through your behaviour that anything negative they may be thinking or being told about you isn’t true. That way they will realise for themselves that there is a huge disconnect between what they are being told in the alienating home and what their real-life experience is with you.
It’s easiest for a vindictive other parent to alienate your child from you when you’re not around. Especially if the gaps between seeing or talking to your child are weeks or months at a time. Make use of Family Dispute Resolution Mediation to negotiate for time with your child. Seek as much time as is reasonably practical.
It is important that you are as reliable in the time you spend as you can be. If you say you are going to see them and cancel it is bad. Even if you tell yourself that it doesn’t matter because they are saying they don’t want to see you, they will feel let down by you cancelling. It will help reinforce any negative messages the other parent is giving them that they are your lowest priority. It is better to get some time and build on that than hold out for more.
Waiting six months or a year for the court to consider your case without spending time with your child will not help to reverse alienation. It is likely to make it worse. If you have a court orders, make sure you use the time that it allows. If you can’t negotiate an agreement for a reasonable amount of time you may have to go to court. It is important to speak with a specialist family lawyer about the likelihood of being able to get more time by going to court. It is possible to spend a lot of money and time on a court battle that does not lead to much of an improvement in the situation but on the other hand, it may be the only way to force the issue if the other parent is severely restricting time with your children without any sort of valid reason. Where possible try to get blocks of time during holidays so that your kids get plenty of time to get re-acquainted with you and can see that you are not the way you are being portrayed.
Kid’s don’t like to be told what to do all the time. Being ordered around, being told, “Do this!” “Don’t do that!” and leaving them without choices isn’t going to help rebuild your relationship.
Instead of telling them “this is what we’re doing this weekend” ask them. Give them some options to choose from or ask them what they would like to do with you. Don’t ask if they want to spend time with you or not. If they are alienated as they are likely to choose not! Give them a choice about what they do when they are with you. That doesn’t mean you have to buy their affection by making time with you a big production. You might offer a visit to the beach or pool, a visit with cousins or something else they used to enjoy. Asking them is probably not something they are used to if their other parent is being controlling. It makes them feel grown up and appreciated. Involving them will have some great long-term benefits for you and your relationship with them.
If the other parent has a personality disorder such as narcissism one of the key characteristics is that they lack empath. They usually can’t accept that other people have different feelings to their own, even their children. If they are angry with you, they will believe that the children are angry at you as well. It is common for people to become high conflict during separation and divorce even if they don’t have a personality disorder. Your child is probably used to the other parent yelling and throwing tantrums and blaming others (you) for everything that goes wrong in their life. You need to do the opposite to them! Where they spend their time wrapped in negative energy, you need to provide an abundance of love and positive energy. When you get time with your children, you listen, you ask them questions about themselves, not about what they do with the other parent. Ask them how they are feeling. You never yell at them and you keep your emotions are under control. You don’t badmouth and blame the other parent. Any child spending time with a drama free parent or in a drama-free home will, over time, really feel comfortable there. Imagine in three years how your child will feel when they know they’re about to spend a week with you in your peaceful home… deep down, despite any level of brainwashing campaign, they’ll look forward to it!
Parents who alienate aren’t good listeners. It’s hard to for them to listen empathetically because they’re so consumed with themselves and their feelings of being a victim. So, you need to start actively listening to what your child is saying. Dig deeper and try to understand instead of getting offended and upset. If a child doesn’t want to do something, listen empathetically to what he or she is really telling you. Then consider what they’re saying before answering them. You must be the caring adult here. The result will be a child who feels a connection that doesn’t exist in the other parent’s home.
