Post-separation parenting is a self-fulfilling prophecy, how you act decides how it is. Self-fulfilling prophecy, like its first cousin stereotyping, is a species of the phenomenon of selective perception, one of several psychological traps.
Self-fulfilling prophecy happens when, for example, we begin a negotiation with set expectations of our adversary’s behaviour, and act on our expectations of that behaviour so as to actually trigger them in a way that confirms our expectations. Simply put, if you are negotiating with a person whom you believe to be hostile, you likely will disregard their attempts at cooperative behaviour as an attempt to manipulate you. You will become defensive. Then, in turn, they will perceive your defensiveness as antagonism, and the negotiation will slide downhill from there.
Whenever we encounter a new situation we are often overwhelmed in our ability to process it. The only way to interpret new and often conflicting information is to instinctively form a theory about the situation and then organize what we see and hear considering that theory. This theory acts as a “filter” for the reality that automatically screens out inconsistent information and signals. This then reinforces the correctness of our initial theory. We only want to listen to what we perceive as bad about the other person. Stereotyping works the same way–when we meet a new person we fall back on our previous beliefs about how people “like that” behave. Our selective perception of that person then colours our behaviour in a way that reinforces our stereotype.
The self-fulfilling prophecy is one reason that a change in “perceptual environment”, whether for an employee, a student, or even one’s family members, often leads to a change in behaviour. We are no longer bound by the negative thought patterns that chained us to unproductive behaviours. “New perceptions” of us by fresh personalities enable discovery of untapped resources within. Likewise, failure to change perception condemns us to stereotypical behaviour. That is one reason why, on a macro level, until separated parents change their perceptions of one another, distrust will continue to reign.
Stopping the Self-fulfilling Prophecy
How can we make our selective perception work for us in negotiation and mediation and not generate counter-productive self-fulfilling prophecies?
- Accept the reality of the phenomenon. Much as we may pride ourselves on our “rationality,” we are more often governed by inherited, unconscious thought processes.
- Recognize that what you perceive as reality is your reality and not that of the other parent. If we are honest with ourselves, most of us believe that others see the world just as we do. Not so. Try to step into the other parent’s world and see how the problem looks from their perspective.
- Have a plan for your negotiation and mediation, making concessions in orderly, pre-planned fashion, not in a knee-jerk, emotional reaction to the other parent’s moves. The first step in a successful negotiation is formulating a plan. Surprisingly, too many negotiators fail to take this first and fundamental step.
- Learn to consciously recognize and effectively manage your own thoughts and emotions. We are not our thoughts and emotions. Try to cultivate a bigger and more accurate picture of yourself and the larger “reality.” The “reality” that your children live in.
- If your imagined future is a 10 out of 10 in terms of a happy and realistic intended state, then ask yourself where you are out of 10 just now. This is called scaling the problem.
- Once you know your score, then ask yourself the following important question: What actions can I undertake to move me one step forward (e.g. from a 4 to a 5)?
- Repeat this process again and again. It may not be the case that you will get to 10 (and it is worth bearing in mind that our goals and intended futures can indeed change with time), but at least you know that you are actively taking steps to move towards a constructive future.
Properly understood, self-fulfilling prophecy need not tie us to the same old, negative, and unproductive reactions. Enlarging our perception and adherence to an effective negotiating strategy detached from the self-fulfilling prophecy can alter our negotiating and mediating tactics for the better.